Ah! Masutasensei!
by daringu
Summary: A rather silly AU inspired by Arakawa herself - the new teacher Masuta receives much more than he bargained for in a school containing the infamous Elric and Tringham brothers. In progress.
1. Of Masutasensei and Edward Elric

**title**: (FMA Omake Hell) Ah! Masuta-sensei!  
**category**: AU/comedy  
**author**: Manda  
**rating**: PG/PG-13  
**pairing**: none  
**spoilers**: none  
notes: I realize not everyone knows about Hagaren DX or understands my system of name-changing, so I'll explain it here. This fic is all Arakawa's fault by means of "Hagaren DX", her information/fanworks/parody manga where she does a series of "What If" scenarios, one of them with Mustang as a Japanese literature teacher. I took the idea and ran with it.

Masuta abbreviated form of "Masutangu", the katakana spelling of Mustang. Arakawa has him in DX introducing himself as "Masuta-sensei".  
Hokuai katakana spelling of Hawkeye.  
Hyu abbreviated form of the katakana spelling of Hughes that I'm too lazy to remember right now.  
Rasuto katakana spelling of Lust.  
Shezuka there are so many alternate spellings of this name already, I think everyone knows. ;;

I also used the katakana versions of first names instead of attempting to really make them Japanese and confusing everyone and myself. ;;

Those with unaltered names are another nationality - in most cases German.

In Japanese schools the students and teachers would refer to other teachers as "-sensei", hence the title. But to simplify things a little bit I just left it as the usual Westernized "Mr." and "Mrs." More formal teachers in Western countries may address students as "Mr." and "Mrs.", but Japanese teachers do it all the time, to the extent that my Sensei sometimes has trouble remembering our first names.

Characters who haven't appeared yet will, never fear; as well as the rest of the Sins.

* * *

Roi Masuta stood straight, folded his hands behind him, attempted to look commanding to class 4A. Why this situation intimidated him, he wasn't sure. It wasn't as if he hadn't faced similar ones, although he supposed said other situations didn't involve children. He didn't know how to deal with children that well, never having any of his own and not particularly wanting them either. Women were fun, children were not. So how exactly was he a middle school teacher again?

The faces of the classroom had a variety of looks; bored, apathetic, attentive, or a combination of the first two. He wondered how their last teacher had been.

"Get on with it," called a voice near the back of the room. As the laughs echoed about the room and he located the source of the insult; a blonde boy with a braided ponytail down his back. Who was currently picking dirt out of his nails as he sat in his backwards-facing chair.

Roi raised an eyebrow. "You sure have a lot of respect for your teacher."

"Are you our teacher, or just the janitor? We don't even know yet." Uneasy laughs.

Anchoring his feet to the ground, Roi finally blurted out the words he was aiming for. "I'm Masuta, your new Japanese teacher."

Years of experience finally returned to him with a sigh of relief and he wrote his name on the board in strong strokes.

"Wow, you're good at calligraphy," one of the students in the front mumbled, and he smirked. It was indeed coming back.

"Thank you. Now that I've introduced myself, I'll learn all your names. Please wave your hand when I say your name. Mr. Aaosa?"

When he reached a "Mr. Elric", the blonde ponytail boy half-waved a hand. "Yeah."

"Yes is fine, Mr. Elric."

"My Japanese isn't that good," he said, grammar perfect, with only the slightest hint of an accent. "I hope you'll forgive me for my linguistic mishaps."

"I hope you'll forgive me for calling you on them." There was his ability to be confidant and insulting; he had wondered where it had went in the beginning of class.

He finished roll and held up the textbook, which had a picture of a bird. The text always had something irrelevant on the cover.

"This is what we'll be using this year, as I think it has a great mix of literature you'll need to know for the entrance exams and also some other interesting stories. Unfortunately we'll have to focus most of the year on what you'll need to know for the exams. It's for your own sake."

There was a slightly muted groan from the class, and a long drawn out groan from a certain Mr. Elric and another blonde male in the class he identified as Mr. Tringam.

"It's not my or your choice."

"I'm sure it's not," piped up Elric.

"Please raise your hand if you have a comment, Mr. Elric."

Several girls in the class squealed and made muffled comments to the girls on the sides of them. Masuta heard "He's so stoic! Cute!" and thought they were talking about Elric until he realized they were looking at him. At least some of the girls were on his side. Not that he planned to take advantage of it in anything other than an innocent manner. Women his age (a well-concealed 28) were much more advanced and classy. Oh, and there was that thing where he could get fired for fraternizing with students. That too.

"Yes, sir," Elric said, and placed his head in a gloved hand. Maybe that'll be the end of it, considering the girls in the class seem to be on my side, Masuta thought, and rambled on a bit on his thoughts on the current state of Japanese literature. The bell rang, and the students filed out, some of the girls giving him glances and giggling as they left the room.

All in all, it didn't seem like it would be a bad class - except for that Elric, who had glared at him the entire time in his backwards-facing chair.

* * *

"I don't understand what the girls are all going crazy about. He seems like he's going to be a real hardass," said Edward. He balanced back his chair on its back legs before the blonde haired girl next to him pulled the chair legs to the ground and yelled at him.

It was lunchtime; class 4A attacked their bento boxes. The class had segregated itself into irregularly-sized groups throughout the room. Probably the biggest was the one that surrounded one Edward Elric, known troublemaker and son of the notoriously absent German ambassador.

"I don't think he'll be bad," said his brother, the slightly smaller and less outspoken Alphonse Elric. He was still capable of as much trouble as the older brother; sneaking into his brother's class from his was a routine event since the beginning of school, and that was one of his much lesser offenses. "He seemed nice. I have him too."

"I think he's okay," said the blonde-haired Winry Rockbell who had pulled Ed's chair down earlier. "I just don't like Japanese class too much. It's boring. Shop's much more fun."

"Are you kidding?" outburst Panina, to the right of Winry. "He's absolutely gorgeous. We can just look at him instead of paying attention in class!"

"See, that's what I'm talking about," replied Ed, screwing up his face. "He doesn't seem like the type to let you get away with not paying attention. And I just don't like him. He smirks too much. I bet he's a pervert or something. We should get him."

Al sweatdropped before dodging a flying rubber band from the other side of the room. "I don't think that's a good idea. We're still fighting with the other brothers. Do we want to get in a fight with a teacher too?"

The "other brothers", Fletcher and Russell, had sworn a war on the Elrics mid-last year. No one really remembered when the war started; Ed always claimed that one of them had insulted his height and then his grades and things had escalated from there and now the Tringham Brothers Deserved Death. Russell sat on the side of the room farthest away from the windows and the Elrics, surrounded by his cronies and brother (who also snuck out of class). The two parties occasionally shot glares and rubber bands at each other, such as the one Alphonse was now aiming back at them. His nickname wasn't "Armor" for nothing; he seemed impervious to attack by anyone, whether the attack took the form of punches or rubber bands.

"So? I doubt he'd be the type to take a side in THAT battle if we annoy him. He seems too by-the-book to do such a thing. And since I think he won't choose a side, and especially not the right one, I say we give him a little persuasion to join our side. And get the Tringhams at the same time," Edward said in hushed tones, and the younger Elric sighed.

"And how are we going to do this?"

"There's still thirty minutes of lunch left, right? We'll start out with the usual."

He grinned and held out a can of spray-paint.

* * *

Noon-time in the faculty room was a clatter of chopsticks, keyboards, and tea mugs. Variously colored tops of heads stuck out from between blocked partitions.

Principal Hyu slapped Masuta on the back and almost made the latter drop his dried squid.

"Yo, how's it going?"

He shrugged and popped the squid into his mouth. "Seems like they're good kids."

"I'm glad you were able to transfer here, although, I suppose it helps in getting a job if you're already friends with the Principal, yeah?"

"I suppose so. You've been bugging me to come here forever, but until now the pay just wasn't good enough for me."

"You and your expensive lifestyle, with your lady-friends and your good sushi. Reisha and I just can't compare, we're the boring domestics. By the way, did I mention that she's pregnant with the child who is certain to be the best in the world, but can never eclipse her, because they'll have to be equally the best in the world?"

"Yes, many, many times," Masuta said. He attempted not to grit his teeth to add _and we'll all be happy when that happens so you'll stop going on constantly about it._

Jurika had been married to Hyu for over two years; their first child was due in several months, and Hyu just wouldn't stop talking to anyone and everyone about it. Ever. Even if the person walked away, he would follow them and keep talking about his daughter. In long sentences.

Hyu paused and waved his hand up in the air. "Yo, everyone, pay attention."

Several dozen heads looked up from computers, paperwork, or food.

"We've got a new comrade here today. I'm proud to introduce Roi Masuta, our new Japanese teacher. If he has any questions don't hesitate to help him, because he's a good guy."

A chorus of voices said hello, nice to meet you in unison, and Masuta blinked. That one voice, wasn't it-?

Hyu started going on about his wife again as Masuta surveyed the room-

And there she was, her dyed blonde hair tied up in a bun on the top of her head, glasses, the faintest trace of pink lipstick, the usual appraising look, a black pin-striped pants-suit-

He tried not to gather too much attention and made some excuse to Hyu as he slowly stood up, walked over to where she was at the other side of the room.

"Riza?" She looked up at him, eyes surprised and wide. She had looked at him like that all the time years ago, when they were children and he suggested something she didn't approve of. He did that a lot.

She looked back down at her paperwork as she spoke.

"Looks like you've lost enough of your sensibilities to stoop down to my level."

He shrugged again. That seems to be the theme of today, he thought. "I got bored. You still teaching science?"

"Yes."

"I'm teaching Japanese now."

Surprise in her eyes again, though she hid it better this time. He considered it a testament to his ability that he was able to even see the surprise at all. Ah, but there had been so many women-

"Mr. Masuta."

He turned. A blonde, clean-cut man in a blue casual suit, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Masuta hid his immediate aversion; cigarettes pissed him off. He couldn't explain why. Maybe it was the overabundance of smoke. He smiled anyway, and bowed.

"Hello."

The man bowed in return; he spoke with a slight accent. "Hey, I'm Jean Havoc. I'm the French teacher."

"Pleased to meet you. There's such a large amount of foreign staff and students at this school, it's amazing."

Havoc shrugged. "It's because we're so near to Tokyo. And it's not like it doesn't cause problems, either - since we have so many foreign diplomats' kids they tend to act obnoxious. I'd watch out for the Elric and Tringham brothers in particular."

Riza looked up, balancing her pencil perfectly between two fingers. "They're involved in a silly little war. I believe it started when Russell called Edward short and Edward threatened to cut off Russell's head."

Masuta stored the comment in the back of his head for future reference.

"Anything else I should know?"

She glared at him, holding the pencil eraser at her lip.

"I think you'll find out for yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. And by the way, calling me Ms. Hokuai is fine, Mr. Masuta."

I really don't deserve _this_ treatment, he thought, as Havoc dragged him in another direction to meet some of the other staff. Names and faces went by so quickly that he could barely remember them though he bowed and smiled to all, and made a mental note to check the school's online directory and memorize everyone's names. The nurse, with long black hair and beautiful eyes. The slightly portly math teacher, with his shirt unbuttoned at the top and no tie. The gym teacher with the enormous muscles, who seemed to sparkle for some reason. The tiny, bubbly physics teacher with his black hair and glasses. The home economics teacher with black dreadlocks, who for some reason seemed like she was ready to rip off anyone's head at the slightest offense.

Hyu grabbed his arm before Havoc could finish the introductions.

"The superintendent wants to see you and me before the end of the lunch period. Just to discuss the signing of your contract and a couple other things. Nothing serious, you know?"

"That's fine," Masuta said. He was yanked yet again by the arm out of the office into the narrow, badly-lit hallway.

The walls and lockers were covered in red, blue, yellow, and purple graffiti.

"Well, you certainly picked an interesting day as your first day," Hyu laughed, slicking his hair back.


	2. Of Izumi's Domestic Dungeon and Shezuka

**title**: (FMA Omake Hell) Ah! Masuta-sensei!   
**category**: AU/comedy   
**author**: Manda   
**rating**: PG/PG-13   
**pairing**: none   
**spoilers**: none   
**notes**: see chapter 1!

The graffiti was the usual round of insults directed at the school, at the administration, and particularly focused on the new teacher who stood in the midst of the hallway, tie straight and jaw wide open.

He recovered quickly by telling his brain to ignore that his name was plastered all over the beige wall.

"Aren't you the least surprised by this?" he asked Principal Hyu, who laughed and shook his head.

"Ah, well, this sort of thing tends to happen a lot here, especially with the fight between the brothers."

"The Elric and Tringham brothers?"

"They're good kids, they're just a little...without guidance right now. Their parents aren't around too much, and we try..."

Masuta reached and smeared a little of the painted kanji that declared him a pervert and a pyro in Japanese. How in the world did they get pyro? he wondered. The grammar was atrocious, and words that they should know by now were misspelled. He blanched as he saw most of the instances of his last name were written in katakana, not kanji and made a mental note to make sure to make a "teacher" box on every test where they'd be forced to put his name - in kanji, or points off.

"We have to figure out who did this," he said, and Hyu pointed at a phrase in what had to be German, because of the weird dots and squiggilies over them that had agonized Masuta in Western Linguistics class long ago.

"Know any German?"

"Absolutely none. I took English in high school, that's similar, isn't it?" He stared at the words, hoping some familiar word would jump out at him. Nothing.

A boy in a pair of overalls toddled by the two adults, a pair of garden gloves in his hand and chains with many keys attached swinging from his pockets. He stopped and smiled at the two adults.

"It says 'Love, the Tringham brothers,'" he said in the slightest Chinese accent.

The two adults looked at each other and pounded their fists in their hands. Masuta paused and looked behind him, but the boy must have turned into a classroom or another hallway somewhere.

"Who was that boy?"

Hyu shook his head. "I have no idea." He let out a most un-Principal-like and very Hyu-like curse. "The Superintendent's going to have our heads!"

And Masuta was dragged along the hallway by the arm - yet again - while mumbling "And what are we going to do about the graffiti?"

He didn't care if it said it was the Tringham brothers; he knew somewhere Elric had something to do with this.

* * *

"Make sure you don't get caught," Mrs. Izumi Curtis snarled, hauling Ed and Al up by their collars. Officially every day the pair spent 5th period in the home ec room for "independent study", or goofing off. Izumi had been their babysitter when they and she were both young, long before she married an American and became a self-professed housewife who just happened to teach home economics forty hours per week. Her class had the students walking out vaguely feeling like they had just been in gym or shop after learning the proper ways to wash dishes (in 5 minutes or less!), fix sewing machines, and speed-sew punching bags.

"But Izumi, we didn't-" Al said, before Ed cut him off.

"We won't. We framed the Tringhams."

"Now," she said, "Did you frame them in a convincing manner?"

"Well, we wrote 'Love, the Tringhams,' in German on the wall," mumbled Al.

"They'll feel real smart after they figure that out, except it's wrong," laughed Ed.

"That's not near good enough. You two, if you're going to do things I don't approve of in the first place at least blame other people properly!"

She dropped both of them a few inches to land on hard chair, and whirled around once, twice, then dropped teddy bears with stuffing falling out of them, needles, and brown thread down on the desks.

"Now, as punishment, sew."

"Awww, Izumi, we wanted to play videogames-"

She turned around from the sink and glared. They suddenly found great interest in the sewing. She rhythmically washed dishes and slammed them into the dish rack with such an intensity Ed thought they really should have broken. Then again, Izumi seemed to have perfected the art of slamming things just above their breaking threshold. Including the brothers.

"I thought you'd be mad at us for just writing graffiti in the first place-" Ed started. Izumi started smacking a pot in her hand again and again. Their rate of sewing increased.

"This school isn't being run very well, despite being elite or whatever. I'm letting the administration figure out that you two did it as an exercise for their small brains. And I don't like that Masuta anyway. He's one of those conceited jackasses who've had a college education with a degree name that's something real long and doesn't mean anything."

"I think we should be careful. He seems like he'd retaliate," Al said. "Like-well, you know, like in all those TV programs where the new teacher who everyone hates at first ends up making everyone like him."

"You watch too much Japanese television, Al. I wish we got the better stations from Germany in here. Damn the Japanese and their-"

"Any more about my nationality and you'll be sewing for the whole period instead of only half of it!"

"You have to remember that Mom liked it here," Al whispered to Ed, and Ed sighed. Those were the days when their idiot father was around more than an hour a month, and it felt like they were a real family. Now, it was just excuses, excuses, excuses, not even passed through Hoenheim Elric's own mouth but through the workers in the embassy.

"Your mother loved it here," Izumi said, speed-drying a pan. "She was so thrilled when I showed her how to tie a kimono, and she only wanted to show it to your father."

"That bastard," Ed mumbled.

"Such language, Mr. Elric," said a voice at the door.

Izumi smiled, dropping her loudness level down several decibels. "Ah, Ms. Hokuai. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit to my domestic dungeon?"

"Forgive me for intruding during your free period, but I wanted to discuss matters with you regarding the new teacher and our group."

"Yes, of course." This is odd, Ed thought. Izumi and Ms. Hokuai did get along moreso than Izumi and most of the other teachers in the school, but what was "our group"? Perhaps it was a group of Teachers Against Masuta, he'd agree with that one except he'd taken the job of torturing the new teacher onto himself.

The teddy bears were snatched out of he and Al's hands.

"Go somewhere else," Izumi ordered, with an afterthought's "Please". "Ms. Hokuai and I have teacher stuff to talk about."

"Oh, all right," Ed mumbled, and he and Al went out in the hallway.

"Now..." Al whispered after the door had shut behind them, and gestured.

"Now is the time to eavesdrop," Ed finished and the two of them, grinning, arranged themselves in the ideal listening arrangement around the door. If plans were to be made against Masuta, he at least should know about them, if not be the head mind behind them.

* * *

The Superintendent's office was located a few blocks away. Perhaps he just didn't want to be exposed to what seemed to Masuta to be slight mismanagement of the school's discipline.

"Bradley's a good guy, you just have to get used to his bizarre sense of humor. He's German too, so you don't have to be quite as formal as you're used to," Hyu said, straightening his own tie and pushing Masuta into the office.

The Superintendent sat in duck-covered pajamas in front of a desk strewn with papers. An eyepatch hung over his left eye. Pictures of various settings all over the world - and ducks - hung all on the green wall.

He smiled at the two as they walked in. "Good morning, troops!"

"Ah, good morning, sir," Masuta said. He was used to crazy bosses, although perhaps not this crazy. There was that one that had the plants growing all over his office-

"Good morning, sir!" Hyu said and raised his hand in a salute.

"How's everything going at the school?"

Masuta opened his mouth but was cut off by Hyu's "Oh, fine, just fine!" He glared at Hyu, who shrugged.

The Superintendent smiled again. "Good. How did your first set of classes go, Mr. Masuta?"

Hyu gave him a quick warning look.

"Fine, no problems at all." He paused to think. He hadn't lied this much in a long time. "The students are wonderful."

The Superintendent's grin grew even wider. "Yes, we have some of the finest students here, especially those involved with the German Embassy. Did you know that the German Ambassador regularly donates to us to help the school keep going? The technology we have isn't cheap, you know."

"That's very gracious of him," Masuta said, and thought of an older version of Edward passing money to Bradley and saying "This is for putting up with my son". He had only known the young Elric for several hours, but he was still tempted to shove the child into a wastebasket.

"It is, isn't it? But onto the subject at hand, namely, your pay. I know we've agreed on the actual rate already but there is simply the matter of you signing the final employment document." He pulled a paper out from under a stack of other papers, pulled a pen out of his desk drawer, and tossed it in the air so the pen landed on the paper in the front of the desk.

"Of course you may read it before you sign it," he laughed, and winked at Hyu, who winked back. "Wouldn't want you to not understand what you're signing up to be paid for, right?"

Masuta nodded back, getting the distinct impression there was something going on here he didn't understand, and bent down to read the agreement. Most of it was fairly normal stuff; he'd get tenure after x review containing y tenured teachers who gave him z score, he wasn't allowed to discuss his salary with others, he was able to raise complaints about things but the Principal and Superintendent had final say, et, al. There was a little passage at the end that explained that he would be called onto other duties in the case of what they termed a "special emergency", but that was just the new term for earthquakes or tsunami, wasn't it? Nothing to worry about there, then. All normal.

He signed. The Superintendent grinned and started polishing a sword.

"Welcome to the team."

He didn't process that the Superintendent had started polishing a sword until he was halfway out the door.

"A sword?" he asked Hyu, back outside, with one eyebrow raised.

"Oh, he was in the military a long long time ago and keeps it as a reminder. It's also quite apt to scare the students with, he claims," and here Hyu lowered his voice, "-though I don't necessarily agree with that."

A young girl with brown hair and glasses attempted to hide behind a mailbox as they passed it.

* * *

"Shezuka, what are you doing?" Hyu asked in the mailbox's direction and the girl slowly rose, balancing a large pile of books in her two hands. She laughed nervously.

"Going to school?"

Hyu shook his head and sighed. "Why are you late again?"

"....I watched too much TV and overslept?"

"No, you were reading these all night again." He picked up the top book, which was red with embossed gold letters. "New theories on electrons?"

"Let me see that," Masuta said, and snatched it out of the other man's hands. He flipped through it while Hyu lectured the poor girl on the Benefits of a Classroom Education. This was the newest edition; he'd have to see what other books this girl had in her library that he didn't have.

"Getting lost in books again, I see? The nerdiness never leaves you," Hyu said, peering over his shoulder.

"Do you think I got this job in the first place by letting all my knowledge rust over time?"

"And by knowledge you mean nerdiness?"

"Remind me who in our teenage years would spend hours in front of the Famicom, trying to shoot the ducks? And who spend hours in the arcade while I was doing much more relevant things?"

"You mean, like flirting with all the girls in our class?"

Masuta pushed some stray hair out of his face. "At least they respected me."

Shezuka followed several paces behind them reading another book. Then they noticed that she _wasn't_ following them anymore, and was lying several paces behind them, unconscious. She had walked straight into a telephone pole.

* * *

The nurse's office was a tiny room right next to the main office, and looked pretty much like every other nurse's office Masuta had seen, including the ones in his own middle school. He and Hyu had carried Shezuka (who was much heavier than she looked) down the street, ignoring the bizarre looks and lolicon comments of passersby, and back into the office. Students crowded around the teacher and Principal, whispering and pointing. The word "bookworm" came up a lot; it wasn't surprising, really, considering the nature of her accident.

They laid her down on the empty cot just as the nurse turned around. He remembered her name as soon as he saw and remembered her eyes - Rasuto. Such beautiful eyes.

"Now, this is why they tell you not to walk and read at the same time," Hyu said as the nurse put an ice compress on Shezuka's head. "And all of this wouldn't have happened if you had actually gone to school when you were supposed to instead of reading all morning."

"But I was reading about what we're talking about in math, just in a lot more detail-"

Hyu patted her on the head while the nurse continued to arrange the compress. "I realize. I know you're smart, and missing class doesn't do you any harm. But I can only cover for your unexcused absences for so long. You of all people should know there are laws that require you to go to school."

The nurse turned around, her black curly hair flouncing around.

"She'll be fine. It's just a minor bump on the head, not a concussion," she said, a brief smile flitting across her face. "She'll be able to go back to class halfway through this period."

Hyu looked at his watch and coughed.

"Oh, dear. Lunch's been over for five minutes. Sorry."

"It's not a big deal," Masuta shrugged, and headed down the deserted halls (some of which were still covered in graffiti; how was Hyu going to deal with _that_?) to his next class.

It really wasn't a big deal that he wasn't there on time, because classroom 3C was empty anyway. 


End file.
